I came across an interesting blog post written by a web site called "The Bookpushers," where they seem to find excerpts from erotic romances hysterical in that internet-y snarky way that's filled with cute-isms like "WTF-ery" and referring to a penis as a "peen."
Ah well, funny-funny...ha-ha. I'm slapping my knee and twirling my finger.
Just to make it clear: I don't think they've ever reviewed any of my books, so I'm not directing anything in this post to anything they've said about me. What I'm talking about here in this post is how we all look at erotic romance in different ways. And how bloggers can put a spin on something. Personally, referring to a penis as a "peen" makes me want to fucking gag. But more than that, a cute-ism like "WTF-ery" is one of those things that should be done once, and only once. Otherwise it looses its snark and turns into bad Internet jargon.
When I read the post titled The Strange and Wonderful World of Eroticacock I didn't find anything that would make me shudder and cross my legs in the excerpts they were laughing at. Used in the wrong context, as these excerpts are being used in that post, they are funny. But I could take any phrase or excerpt from any non-erotic romance novel that has a cover with a woman in a long flowing gown and do exactly the same thing they are doing over there with erotic romance.
And just to show you it can be done, I'm going to do it right here. I'll give you a few examples of how bloggers can spin things around to suit their own needs. I won't mention names or titles because this isn't about any specific author or book. I'm going to show direct quotes from non-erotic romances on Amazon from books with covers that have women in long flowing gowns. As they would say over at The Bookpushers blog..."ICK!"
Here's a real treasure:
She musn't look up at him in betraying consternation.
What in the world is that supposed to mean? Talk about shudder and cross my legs. When I read a sentence like that I'm not only ready to gag, I'm ready to heave what I've eaten for the last three days. Seriously! That's a sentence? Who the fuck uses words like "musn't?" And don't even ask me about "betraying consternation." Sounds like this chick needs a little prune juice to help out with all that consternation.
And here's a real gem, taken from the same romance novel:
Just looking at the man gave her gooseflesh. She'd appeared before him once. Even thinking of the questions he'd asked, the way his eyes had pierced her, made the skin on the back of her neck prickle.
Timid little bird, isn't she. If all it takes is just one look at the dude to give her gooseflesh then she's got more problems than we are being lead to believe. Sounds a little like social anxiety disorder to me. I can't remember the last time I looked at a man and I got gooseflesh. Such drama! You'd think she'd seen a burping penis.
And, just for the record, I have yet to meet anyone that pierced me with his eyes and made the skin on the back of my neck "prickle." In fact, I would go as far as saying that I've never actually felt my skin "prickle." I don't even think I've used the word "prickle" more than once in my life. On occassion my skin has become overly sensitive...especially that time I was stung by a bee and broke out in hives. I've felt rushes and sensations from time to time when I've had bouts with consternation. But I don't remember actually ever experiencing a PRICKLE.
Just for fun, we'll do one more:
A woman in the crowd let out a harsh bark of laughter at that, and the mayor hid a smile behind his sleeve.
Let's begin with this barking woman, ruff ruff. It's evident she's being entertained in some way. But it must be pretty damn funny if she's reached the point of barking. I don't know many people who bark when they laugh. I'm sure there are some, but it's not something I'd ever put in a novel. As far as I know, people don't bark...unless they are severely consternated...oh, sorry...they don't bark then, they grunt.
I'm guessing that the mayor didn't actually have a smile behind his sleeve. But it would be interesting if he did. Imagine the possibilities. It could be a tattoo of a great big grin on his forearm. Or better yet, maybe he's bored and he's drawing smiley faces on his arm. I'm sure the romance author meant the mayor lifted his arm to his lips and smiled. But even that doesn't make sense. I'm doing it right now. I'm lifting my arm to my face and I'm smiling. It's an awkward gesture at best, and personally I wouldn't allow any small children to sit on a man's lap who does something like THIS.
I'm finished for now. But I could go on. My point in this post is not to make fun of the romances that have covers with women in long flowing gowns. People enjoy reading them and that's all that matters. My issue in this post is to show that anyone can take anything and spin it around to suit their needs. I just did it. In the case of The Bookpushers they decided to take excerpts from erotic romances and spin them around to suit their needs. And they did it in a very clever way, too.
But I never see anyone spin things around in the opposite direction. And it can be done and it can be just as funny with non-erotic romance. I've just proven that I can take any passage from any non-erotic romance and make fun of it in the same snarky, internet-y way they can do it with sex scenes in erotic romance. And I didn't use the word "peen" once.
I also truly hope I didn't offend anyone with this post any more than people who read and write erotic romance are offended by posts like the one I read on The Bookpushers. But if I did, you "musn't" worry, and please don't get "consternated" over it. We all have different taste and what makes one shudder and cross her legs makes another smile behind his sleeve.
ETA: The above excerpts were *literally* taken, verbatim, from a book written by a bestselling romance author who never seems to get bad reviews from any of the web sites that seem to love bashing erotic romance authors (smile).